My Sister Wants to “Get Revenge” for Our Terrible Childhood. But I Don’t Want Anyone to Know the Truth. (2024)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My sister, brother, and I had a rough childhood in many different ways and at many different times. For reference, I’m the oldest, my brother is the middle child, and my sister is the youngest. My brother and I are doing very well—he’s a doctor and I’m an attorney. While I’m sure my difficult childhood has affected me in many ways, I have processed it and mostly moved on, thanks in part to therapy. I spent a lot of time being the strong and resilient older sister and I am really happy to just be a normal, functioning adult. I don’t think about my past much. My brother is very similar.

Unfortunately, my younger sister has not recovered as well. There’s nothing major going on (no substance abuse or joblessness), although she struggled to finish school (but graduated!) and is underemployed. She also owns a home and has a lovely partner and is seemingly doing well. The problem is that she keeps bringing up our childhood. Every few months she reaches out to me extremely upset about traumatic events from back then and is basically begging me to relive them. This kind of thing is highly stressful for me. I feel like I’ve moved on from my childhood issues, but my sister just wants to rehash it over and over. She’s also determined to “make things right” or “get revenge” on people from the town we used to live in who hurt us in some way. If this was something that only she experienced or affected her, I’d support it, but it affects my brother and me too. We still have plenty of friends, family, and acquaintances who live in that town who would find out if she were to do something spiteful, and we worked very hard to keep up an appearance of normalcy. I don’t want to be seen as a “victim” or a “survivor.” I’ve suggested my sister talk to a therapist about her childhood, but she fires everyone that she meets once they ask her to put in the work and try to move past things.

My job is already stressful enough, and my husband and I are thinking about starting a family; my brother is getting married and is planning on inviting lots of people from our hometown. I can’t live with the constant threat of exposure looming over me (even though the events of our childhood weren’t our fault), and I’m sick of being pulled back into things that happened 20 years ago. My sister and I are very close, and I am terrified to lose a relationship with her, but I can’t take this anymore. What do I do?

—Enough Already

Dear Enough,

It’s time to have an honest conversation with your sister touching on a lot of the points you bring up in your letter. You say you two are very close, so I hope that by approaching it with a little bit of tact it’ll go over well. The most important thing to do is keep your sentiments focused on you. Let your sister know that while you are empathetic to her difficulty with moving on from the things that happened during both of your childhoods, continuing to talk about it with her causes you stress and isn’t good for you. Ultimately, she’s allowed to feel how she feels about what happened. So focus the conversation on how rehashing events affects you specifically. Then tell her you won’t be able to talk to her about these issues anymore because it’s just too painful. Urge her to again consider therapy if she needs to talk about this with someone—perhaps you can share what your therapy process was like and what it looks like to actually follow through with it (without making any accusations about her approach to therapy). Your brother can have his own conversation with her and set boundaries as he sees fit.

With regard to her plans for revenge, it is more than likely that she won’t go beyond simply talking about it. You can let her know that doing something retaliatory could be embarrassing for you and your brother, and that you’d rather that she didn’t act on those desires. Tell her that this is very important to you. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to stop her if she does, in fact, decide to lash back out at the people who harmed her. If she does choose to get some sort of revenge and your childhood secrets are made public, just remember that you and your siblings are not responsible for what happened to you all as children, and that anyone who judges you for being harmed is not someone you need in your life. I understand that you don’t want to be viewed as a victim or survivor, but you are both of those things. That isn’t something to feel shame or embarrassment about. Hopefully, your sister will heed your words, but if she doesn’t, know that no decent human being would look at you with anything other than empathy and care.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

We recently moved to a new neighborhood. The girls across the street are the same age as my 10-year-old daughter. My daughter only gets along with one, “Casey,” who is here every other weekend since she lives primarily with her mom. Her stepsister, “Jess” is very bossy and doesn’t like to share. I have witnessed Jess having meltdowns because she lost a game or someone wants to play something different.

I spoke with her mother about her behavior several times and have just gotten brushed off.
The problem is that my neighbor treats Casey and Jess like a package deal. Even if my daughter just invites Cass over, it ends with a knock on my door, where my neighbor complains that her daughter is getting “bullied” and left out or that Casey needs to come home now. This really upsets my daughter, and I don’t know what to do. My husband has suggested that we just arrange for Casey to come over when she is with her mom. I sincerely don’t want to start a feud with my neighbor. Thoughts?
—Friends

Dear Friends,

If your daughter really can’t stand having Jess over, your husband has the right idea. You should limit Casey’s visits to when she is with her mother so her stepsister doesn’t have to come with. If your neighbor confronts you about this, calmly explain that Jess and your daughter do not get along well and that it would be best for the girls to stay apart. This may offend your neighbor and it may change the relationship between your households, but if you decide to go down this route, there really isn’t anything you can do to prevent that. And it sounds like there may be a bit of hostility there already anyway.

But you might consider accepting Jess and Casey as a package deal. It doesn’t sound like Jess is really doing anything too out of the norm for a 10-year-old kid (and isn’t bullying your kid or causing harm), and it could serve as a good lesson for all of them on learning to handle friends or acquaintances we don’t always get along or agree with. I suggest asking your daughter some questions about their hangouts and how she really feels about Jess. She might not be as uncomfortable with the meltdowns as you are! You want to protect your child from a situation that makes her uneasy—but you might be surprised that this isn’t the case.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I are struggling with our blended family. My daughter is 20, living with us, and going to community college. She spends most of her time away. My husband has three kids, a 15-year-old son and two daughters aged 12 and 6. The girls share a room at our house. His custody arrangement is 60/40, with us having them the majority of the time since his ex has health issues. My oldest stepdaughter hates sharing a room with her sister at our house. It is a constant draining battle between the pair of them. We were lucky to even find a four-bedroom in our budget, let alone in this school district.

My husband thinks the solution is either that my daughter moves out since she is “never home” or to let his older daughter sleep in my daughter’s bedroom. My daughter has been a champion in trying to be helpful with her younger stepsiblings but likes her privacy. She is also an artist and both of my stepdaughters have boundary issues with her art supplies. All the rooms are equal in size and I am sharing a bathroom with my teenage stepson. Sacrifices have been made.

We have been together for four years and married for two. Frankly, it was easier in the beginning when my youngest stepdaughter was tiny and slept in our room. Counseling is not an option when we both take extra shifts to provide the basics here. I refuse to go to religious counseling in our area. My solution is for my stepdaughters to alternate sleeping on the couch or for one of us to sleep in their room while one of the girls sleeps in our bed (and someone sleeps on the couch). I am not driving my daughter out of her home!

—Dizzy in Denver

Dear Dizzy,

I agree with you. Your daughter should not have to give up her room, even if she doesn’t use it nightly. She deserves to have a home base and a place to store her art supplies. I think your first solution could work: Ask your husband to consider having the girls alternate nights on the couch; this way, they each still have access to the room while having privacy at bedtime. Alternatively, if your daughter is willing to consider letting one of the girls sleep in her room, that could also be a solution. Ask her how she feels about the idea—you could even agree to purchase a small safe or other storage solution to place any of her art supplies or valuables while she’s out of the home. I would suggest letting your oldest stepdaughter be the one to sleep in her stepsister’s room, as she might be more prepared for the responsibility. You can have a serious conversation with her about respecting her stepsister’s belongings and let her know that being able to sleep in her room is contingent on her not touching or damaging them.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old daughter frequently says things like no one likes her and she doesn’t have any friends. This doesn’t line up at all with what her teachers report (they say she gets along with nearly everyone and is unusually empathetic and emotionally aware for her age) or what we observe (she seems to have a decent small group of friends she enjoys hanging out with, though she isn’t interested in the large cliques that require conformity, and doesn’t currently have a solid “bestie”). She’s excelling in school and participates in several extracurricular activities where we observe her interacting, laughing, goofing off, and seemingly having fun with the other kids. How normal are statements like this at this age and how worried should we be? Are they probably just momentary expressions of typical tween insecurities that pretty much everyone experiences at this age, or does the fact that these comments keep coming up indicate some bigger social or emotional problem?

—Insecure

Dear Insecure,

It is entirely possible that your daughter is simply dealing with age-appropriate insecurities. However, she could be dealing with anxiety issues, or finding that she’s not feeling connected to her “friends.” I think you’re going to do a bit of digging to get to the root here. Ask your daughter directly about what’s going on. Point out the fact that she has a group of kids that she hangs out with regularly and ask her why she doesn’t feel anyone likes her. This may give you some more insight into what she’s thinking and whether these are simply tween insecurities you can help assuage. If she continues to maintain that she doesn’t actually have any friends, you may want to find her a therapist or counselor who can get to what’s behind these feelings and, hopefully, help her recognize the good relationships she does have. A professional might give her the tools necessary to strengthen or create other bonds as well. Good luck.

—Jamilah

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